How to avoid swine flu

OMG, I just read the news on some paper based blog-site-picture-thing. We’re all going to die of pig flu. If you sit next to someone on the bus and they sneeze then you should remove your shoe and beat them until their brain comes out of their ears. If the person sat next to you [...]

Today I met Michael Caine

Today I met Michael Caine. I passed him near the statue. He looked at me, I looked at him; the space between our eyes raining silver sparks on passers by. After what was no more than a split second, I went to find my seat, and he his. He ate strawberry blancmange whist I read [...]

Vlad the Impaler

At last, depleted husband ‘X’ can stand firm and unflinching in the face of rolling-pin-wielding wife ‘Y’ and proclaim “I bought it for the articles!” Playboy are to publish a 5000 word extract from Vladimir Nabokov’s last fictional writing ‘The Original of Laura’. The story is of a man and his wildly promiscuous wife, with [...]

I’d tap that ass

Frodo, save us. It appears evil hordes from the dark land of Murdoch have been tapping the phones of the rich and celebritous in order to provide us with quality news items and general titillation. However, some ruddy do-gooders – who no doubt see themselves as Gandalf-like slayers of all that is wrong and bad [...]

Sperm created with a bone

Scientists have managed to extract something resembling a sperm from a bone. This is genius. As soon as they manage to extract something resembling an ovum from a rag, Steptoe and Son will be the new Adam and Eve.